I am the type of person who constantly seeks permission to do something. I will encourage friends to just “do the damn thing”, knowing that the permission I just gave them was the very thing I so desperately need. Let me give you an example to explain this a little better. When Kevin and I were about 5 months out from our wedding, I finally spoke the thing that had been eating away at my soul. But instead of saying, “I’m not ready to get married because I need to go to therapy and work out some of my sh*t”. I actually said “I want us to go to premarital counseling, just to make sure we are all square before we do this…” Close, but not quite the whole truth. I felt like I couldn’t give myself the permission to go alone, so I needed Kevin’s commitment to make it allowable, safe. A month later, at our first appointment, within seconds of being asked the question, “Mary, what brought you two here?” I was in tears, sobs, really…
I had just told this unknown therapist my deepest secrets. The truth had literally erupted out of me. Well now, I guess its obvious this wasn’t so much about Kevin and I… Needless to say, I was surprised, the therapist was surprised, and Kevin was like “oooooooh”. The therapist, whose name I can’t remember and whose place in my history is just really this one story offered, “Kevin you’re good, you don’t have to come back, but Mary, well, I think we need to meet individually.” Lol, yes, of course I did.
This moment opened the gates to our after. The “after” is the part of Kevin and I’s relationship AFTER he knew everything about me. Him holding my secrets, and still loving me, is the greatest gift I have ever received, and he did it in an instant. That is his unconditional love for me, and that’s when I knew he was my forever.
You know another example of needing permission?
The podcast!
For years, I have felt this still small voice in my chest. She is about one hands length below my chin and 2 inches to the left. My inner voice has been there, talking to me, quietly mostly, but sometimes she is singing so so loudly. When I started listening to podcasts in 2018, I was opened to an entire library of other people’s inner voices. I began sifting through them trying to find one that sounded most like mine. I was searching, searching, searching, but could never find the one that sounded most like mine. Then one day my still small voice had an idea of how she might be heard. She walked my body downstairs into Kevin’s office and asked, “Would you want to start a podcast with me about our life and marriage?” Kevin considered for a moment and then agreed. This was my permission.
Our first few episodes flowed from me with ease. I immediately felt comfortable and confident like my inner voice had been waiting for this opportunity for a long long time. As I get further along, I can see that so much of what limits me is needing permission to just do the damn thing. So, here it is,
“Mary, you have permission to pursue your most authentic life, whatever that means, wherever that takes you”.
Giving myself the permission is the biggest freedom I can offer. Kevin’s love is always supportive, unconditional, ever evolving. It is without question. What else is there to know?
So, here I am. Permission granted.