I’ve been thinking a lot about my abundance of self-confidence lately. Yes, I know that is a douche thing to say, but I am confident it is true. I’ve lived the majority of my life unburdened by fears and worries that so many people share. I absolutely have my demons, but struggling with confidence is not one of them.
Kevin likes to poke fun at me by saying that I could use a little less confidence some days, but I know it is such a huge part of what makes me unique. I love to be aware of it and use it to my advantage. The ease at which I can try new things and put myself out there isn’t all together “normal”. I realize this, and I love it. In fact, I recently have been calling self-confidence one of my superpowers. Superpowers are generally viewed as something you are born with, and until recently I would have said that was true for me.
But now, after healing so many wounds through EMDR and talk therapy, I can see how my childhood traumatic experiences were actually slowly building my self-confidence. You see, self-confidence became my childhood coping mechanism to pain and fear. Not food or alcohol or drugs or sex or something else humans have used to numb. It was self-confidence.
It was the soothing cloak I wore to walk into the room with my aggressors, or to walk onto the basketball court with the teammates I knew didn’t like me. I remember many moments were I would be giving myself a little pep talk in the back of the room, rehearsing a ‘fake it until you make it’ type of scenario in my head before doing the hard thing. Now, in hindsight, I can see how taking that first step into the group was a real act of confidence and courage. All my other steps just followed that first one. And with every step of confidence my subconscious internalized that doing the scary as hell thing didn’t kill me. In fact, in some instances, I was able to have fun despite the fear.
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My childhood was constantly confusing me like this. The groups and experiences I feared the most also brought joy on many levels. I am still working through what this exactly “did to me” in terms of trusting my intuition which was screaming “Do not go into that house, basketball court or group of 6th grade girls.” The best I can make of it for now is that nothing, not even trauma, is all good or all bad.
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Recently I have been thinking, “What else can I do with my incredible superpower of self-confidence?” If I have cultivated this subconsciously, or was gifted the world’s greatest coping mechanism, was it for a reason? What would my life look like if I gather the energy I save by not suffering from comparison, imposter syndrome and fear of the unknown and transfer it into a more authentic state of being?
I have a strong feeling that answering this question is the direction my life is meant to go. So that’s just what I am going to do. When I have an idea that lights me up I will pursue it. When my soul tugs at me to accept a life where I am attracted to women I finally say Ok. When my heart tells me that Kevin and the kids make me happy I pull them closer. Look, I don’t have many solid answers. I am simply feeling my way through the dark, giving myself pep talks, ready to take my next first step. It is incredibly exciting and also overwhelming at times. Kevin and I have built such a comfortable life, we wouldn’t have to change a thing to lead a good life, we could go on like this forever. But something inside is telling me I want more. I want to live the boldest truest expression of myself and that means I will need to get uncomfortable, take risks and walk onto the court. Luckily, I’ve been preparing for this my whole life.
Really…what’s the best that could happen?