I just scrolled back to see when I posted last. It was February 15th, 2021. More than a month ago. That makes sense. I am exiting a vortex of truth and realization, and I am exhausted. Truly tired. My body feels like it just did a really big thing for me. I am so proud of her. If you are reading this and wondering what I am talking about then I recommend you go back and read this and this.
Over the past year I’ve realized that writing is a direct path to the most precious gift I have ever given myself, mental freedom. In my last post I shared a realization that feels like the last piece of my current personal puzzle. I am bisexual. Of course, like…yes. Truly this has been in front of me my entire life, and now seeing the full picture feels a little bit… maybe, too obvious? I’m not sure if I feel more satisfied with my knowing or more sad about the life I missed, the shame and confusion I carried for decades or the heartache knowing (if life only went wildly different) that I could have saved Kevin and me a lot of confusion and pain over the years. Like most things, my truth encompasses more than just one of those feelings. I know now to embrace my and/both.
I want to say again that it is hard to fully express the incredible amount of shame I carried after my confusing sexual trauma at the impressionable age of 7 and how that trauma skewed my sense of personal and sexual identity. Unfortunately, I know that you probably carry your own shame and burdens. Our common humanity tells me that likely you know how heavy shame is to carry. How it can distort your mind and body to make you believe that it isn’t what you did that is bad or wrong but it is you who is bad. The powerful thing I want to share is that every time I write my truth, speak my truth or share my truth I can feel the key turning the lock and opening the door to my mental freedom. Each time I peel back another layer of the onion and reveal a new piece of me. Then I approach that next layer with a clearer vision and an open curious mind. I do the work, confront the truth, practice radical acceptance and ultimately find a deeper truer version of myself again and again. As a result I am more near the core of me than I have ever been before and I feel so good, so free. It has been so much less scary to accept the truths than carry the burdens. Now I feel as though I have exited the matrix, and when I glance back, I can see the absolute exhausting mental trap I escaped. I am on the outside and can never, will never go back.
I want to savor this moment, feel it in my body for a long time. I want my kids to know this feeling. I want to bring this awakened version of myself wherever I go.
For now, I leave you with a deeply personal thing. Poetry. I mean really?! Who AM I?! (deep sigh) I’m just going with it folks. These are poems that nobody, besides Kevin, has ever seen. The first two I wrote about 4 months ago. The third I finished yesterday. I have absolutely no idea how to write poetry, but I know how to start.
Alright signing off for a bit. Time to rest in this satisfaction. Let utter contentment wash over me and just live my best life for a while.
A 7-Year-Old Prays
I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling
sick in my stomach, why can’t I be normal again?
like before
instead, I am torn apart.
I am so sad and hurting, who will come to help me?
there is no help for me, it will feel like this forever-
I pray I will be able to forget, help me.
Help never comes.
A Woman Prays to a Child
I am the help. I am there lying on my back, I am there staring at the ceiling.
I am there with sick in my stomach
I am there to help you.
It took you some time to see me, but I am here.
I am here for you Mary.
What do you need?
You are safe and whole. It doesn’t feel like that forever.
I have come for you.
I am here.
My Freedom Song
Be still and know that I am here.
Be still and know that I am found.
I’ve already seen the bottom so there’s nothing to fear.
I feel it in my bones that I am enough.
I am brave,
I am bruised.
I am who I’m meant to be.
I’m marching on to the beat I drum.
I’m not scared to be seen. I make no apologies.
Shootin’ at the walls of heartache Bang Bang,
I am the warrior.
Don’t you know there’s a part of me that longs to go?
Into the unknown.
Comments
2 responses to “speaking my truth set me free.”
Hi Mary (and Kevin too)!
I just listened to your latest podcast (which I really enjoyed) and read this blog post too. As usual you continue to amaze me with your commitment to growth and self-discovery. Of course I know why you are doing it–there is no better adventure–but it isn’t for the faint of heart!
When you shared your schedule I was amazed to think of all the things you are including in your lives while working AND raising your family. Did I say amazing??? But again, I think that what you are undertaking is ultimately so good for you AND for your children, that in the long run you will be closer and closer to living the life you envision. And I’m excited to see that you will be starting your own class in the near future! Plus I don’t think you I remember you mentioning that you belonged to the Unitarian Church in your area, but that wasn’t a surprise because they are the type of openminded, inquisitive and socially active and compassionate type of organization that you would resonate to being a part of of. I hadn’t heard of their small groups, but I will check to see if they offer that locally.
One thing is for sure that I never know what you will be exploring next so I will keep “tuning in” to find out. But I can say that the best thing you are doing is actively doing so many of these activities together and that is a real key to a long, happy and “growing” marriage.
Until next time! ~Kathy
Thank you for supporting us Kathy. Yes- I will admit it felt like a bunch of things when we said it too and I worried it sounded a bit unapproachable but it is the truth. We have made learning and growing a commitment so subconsciously and consciously we have rearranged our lives and schedules to accommodate. PLUS Kevin and I both work part time and now we do have some of our village back to ease the childcare overwhelm. We are really looking forward to this months Soul Matters material on Becoming. It is a very well done curated list of resources to learn from and question from. I think you and Thom would enjoy it immensely. Let us know if you join a group.
Thanks for being here,
Mary